Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Stop should be "pause"

Maybe I should change my blog title to "The Cupcake Pauses Here" because it still hasn't stopped. At least for me. I just can't seem to get moving! But I haven't given into my "can't." I kind of refuse to just say "can't" and stick to it. So I've ventured out. I looked online, wonderful stuff here, and although I'm not guaranteed runners in my WW forums/blogging I know where I am guaranteed runners who are motivated... C25K website. Apparently they have forums now. So I ventured out and found me a running buddy. We've kept in touch for the first full day, which seems good, and I've expressed that I plan to start my running tomorrow. I planned to start today, but work interfered with the sunlight and safety at my disposal!

But here's to moving on and getting that Cupcake to actually stop!! :)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Been a little absent, but not gone!

I haven't been around to share my thoughts, my struggles, my life because well, life has gotten a little busy, my thoughts a little tangled, and my struggles too much to put on your shoulders. And although it really hasn't gotten any easier, I'm here to share. I've been reading articles, as I do, in hopes of finding the secret to life or my habits or anything. I came across this one about what not to call your fat friend. Hello Giggles is a site I frequent because it has an association with one of my fav actresses, Zoey Deschanell! (click the link for the article). This article has some truth in it, and some over stated generalizations, but the heart of the message is there.

Fat is not a bad word. In reading through the article I thought of two very specific, okay now three, who this rang true for. My best friend uses the first "but you have such a pretty face." This statement makes me feel "pretty" but not sexy and, at times, like I am the fat girl in the corner. Personally, however, I'd rather be the fat girl in the middle of the dance floor, breaking it down!

My sister and a couple of cousins are guilty of the last listed infraction. "You're not fat." The most hilarious part I find about this, other than the lying to my face and completely ignoring my BMI which states I'm morbidly obese, and the simple known fact of... I'm obviously fat is that they try to say they are so fat... So you're only a good 80+ pounds under my weight, and you're fat but me, again being a good 80+pounds over your weight, I am not fat. That just makes no sense to me and defy's all sense and logic that is within my body. Whatever. When they say it, and I point out the obvious, they say, "Well, no. It's different." And then we get into "You just don't understand." That's that I... I don't understand. How do I not understand what it's like to not be thin... I'm the furthest from thin. It doesn't matter how much they try to get me to understand I don't believe I ever will.

So the others don't really hold true to me so much, but I have fallen victim to some of these overstated quotes. I figured you might've as well, and maybe her attitude and "umph" might be able to find some humor in what they're saying next time instead of negativity.

In other news, my weight loss has been coming along steadily. I've lost quite a bit more since the last I posted of the 10th of August. Maybe like four pounds or something of the like. I'm still on Weight Watchers quite fervently. I even traveled all the way across Texas to visit my in-laws and stayed on track. My husband was fantastic the entire time. We brought apple slices, grapes, and banana's for snacks on the road and a ton of water, gatorade, and soda's just in case of my car sickness acting up. But, I didn't touch a soda once on the trip. That has shown that I'm changing my life style. We also got out of the hotel room each night... ALL THREE NIGHTS... and walked! We got out into a foreign town and exercised. I can't tell you that I've ever kept to my plan as much in traveling as I did this trip. It has been tough enough for me to stay to my plan at home, let alone not give into the opportunity to make excuses while out in a different city.

That week we came home, last week, it has been drama filled. I'm not going into it, but I've been depressed. We haven't walked since we've gotten back. Saturday we did a lot of moving and shopping, so I've let us slide there, and then Sunday we worked our asses off! I'm still sore from every muscle on my dorsal side! My back muscles, both shoulder's, my thigh, calves and gluteus are all super sore from redecorating, painting and moving of furniture as well as a serious deep cleaning of our house. It was a very well spent Labor Day weekend!

Friday, August 10, 2012

What motivated me

Since my junior year in high school I've thought constantly about wanting to loose weight and how much easier, theoretically, shopping would be at a smaller size. I've eaten at what I thought was healthy and then when starting college I just kind of lost it with fast food everywhere and so much easier to obtain than cooking a meal at home. So I gained weight... a lot of weight. Graduating high school I was maybe 210... maybe! Right now I'm a good 258.4 and that's after loosing 22 lbs and gaining seven back, making my current loss at 15 lbs.

What made that decision to first loose those 22 lbs, the most weight I've lost, while also being the heaviest I've ever been? This photo:

I'm the one in the black... obviously. I had seen what I looked like, the roundness of my face, and I saw my front and my side in the mirror or pictures. But those pictures I know exactly how to move myself and use my clothing to hide what I want, when I want. So this picture which showed a side of me I DON'T see regularly, and stuck in time forever for me to stare at... oh it was unpleasant. It was taken in love, at Christmas to show us opening "Santa's gift" which as MONEY! :). But I almost take up the space of my sister and my husband. I don't know that I've ever seen my weight from the back. It's almost like there's nothing else to look at; no design on the shirt, just the size of the shirt. 

Anyways. I got these photos from my mom and was looking through them as to which I would put in my scrapbook. I stumble upon this one, and stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks and just stared. All the other pictures weren't flattering seeing as I was at my heaviest and decided to chop, and I mean chop, my hair off exposing all the extra weight I put on. So my cheeks were chubby and whatever. Okay, I can chuck that up to the hair style. But that backside is just unflattering for the simple fact I'm morbidly obese and severely unhealthy. I was going down a road and I knew that I had to do something. 

Shortly after I started WW... again. People say this and others might think WW doesn't work. That's not the case. Weight Watchers works!! It's me who doesn't. For a healthy life style, which WW promotes, you have to work at it. You have to choose to eat right and move your rear. Being at the weight I was I didn't have to workout. I simply cut back what I ate to my points value. More about these point values, they are calculated by fancy numbers using the Fat, the Carbs, the Fiber, and the Protein to come up with a distinct number each food is worth. Then you track that food. The worse it is for you, the more points it is. You are given a daily number of points to consume by how active you are, your gender, your height, and your weight. Of all the research I've done this is the healthiest and most rounded plan I've seen. It teaches you to be healthy, but it won't work, if you're not willing to work. 

This time around I lost 22 lbs. That's huge! I had not only ever lost that much but stuck to it for that kind of time. Each time I start WW again I tend to pick up another healthy habit that I try to incorporate. That works for a little while but if you saw my weight loss chart (ww has this too to see what you've done with a visual aide) you'd see that if I don't keep up with my points and know what I'm eat I start gaining nearly immediately. Those are the times I've gotten off WW. But I keep coming back to try and work again, to try and commit to this healthy life style. Since that last go I gained back something like 7 lbs. Now I've started back two weeks ago and have since then lost an additional 2 lbs. Not too bad, but not fantastic. I'm changing the way I live and that's probably more important than the weight anyways. 

In speaking of that, the other day my husband and I were talking and I said, "Honey, you know being healthy is going to be EX-PEN-SIVE?" He replied, "Yeah, so is diabetes." We both know that I am very much prone to diabetes seeing as two grandmothers and my dad have it and my weight doesn't keep me too far off, so that response really hit me. Hard. He was absolutely right, and he had the right way to think about it. He's such a supporter of me in general I don't think I would be as strong as I am in my weight loss journey if it weren't for him and his support. 

That is my turning point. I might've turned back mid way through but I found my standing again. You will find what triggers your journey through weight loss. You won't find it in my blog or in any other blog on this contraption... You'll find it when you're ready to start moving, taking control, and loosing weight. It's about you, no one else can lead you to it. I hate to burst that bubble that says you'll find motivation in this blog, or the next, but it's true you won't. Your ultimate motivation has to be you. It has to be something you come to. 

I trust you'll find your motivation, as long as you don't stop looking. But look at yourself and not others to find it. You know where to look, you hide from it all the time so you don't have to face the truth. First step? go there first. Go to where you hide either from photos, outings (you don't want others to see you eat), your hidden snacks, whatever it is you hide and confront it. Take your fears head on. The only way you will fail at weight loss is by not doing ANYTHING about it. You can stay the same weight for weeks, if not months, but if you're eating better and moving your body will kick in, it's just a matter of time. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Good 'Ole Walmart and Healthy Living

No, healthy living is not apart of Walmart. I suppose if you walked around Walmart enough times you could consider it such, but each time my husband and I travel through those tempting isles we can't help but spend over what we planned to go in and get. This time, it was because of our changing health style.

My husband is a PENNY PINCHER! Matter of fact I think that alliteration, and cliche, fits him the best of any. But one of the glorious things about Walmart, are their prices, they're cheap! I mean their stuff is cheap, other brands are about the same price, maybe a little cheaper than other places, but what they sell solely, well it's cheap. So while we're there I had started to talk about purchasing another blender in which we could make fruit smoothies with fiber and protein powder for my breakfasts. Trying to live a healthier life! So we purchased the Ninja something another, and for others out there who purchase this device, be careful, the blades are indeed SUPER sharp. My finger can attest to it! This purchase was not planned. Talking about it a couple of times does not constitute it's automatically on a list.

Next, I was going to make some makeshift shorts with some sweatpants cut up. I thought of doing this because it's nearly impossible for a girl my size to find comfortable, cute and flattering shorts. While walking to the mens section with the sweat pants, I decided to just stop in the women's exercise part to just "see" what they had (I often use this tactic to be able to shop longer and maybe get more stuff, my hubs keeps his guard of me buying something down, while I shop and start to win him over to buying it). To my surprise they had some that fit. Now the selection was small, two pairs of shorts and a handful of shirts, but I found workout clothes at Walmart. One pair of shorts was four dollars! For my size, that's incredible! We even purchased me a sports bra, which I haven't owned in something like seven to eight years, a size when clothing I could wear was readily available. And with my workout clothing purchase, we even purchased him two pairs of shorts and a couple of tops that are really breathable. Also finally got him to buy himself some more regular clothes, this part is like pulling teeth, but because Walmart is cheaper by at least 40% to other clothing stores, he gave in!

That added a good 150 or so extra to our already large purchase. Normally I feel sick after spending 500 dollars at Walmart, and while the price still churns my stomach I can't help but know we are working at changing our lives. Granted the clothing I was wearing, blue jean shorts and one of the few cute T-shirts that still fit right, worked just fine for walking. Here's the thing, we want to do more. I'm shocked by how motivated I am to continue this life style we are creating together. It's a slow transition, but we're continuously working towards it. Even trying to find healthy ways to keep mexican food, my hubs FAVORITE, in our weekly menu options.

I'm beginning to change the way I look at food and that's a blessing! I have such an emotional attachment I'm surprised I haven't eaten myself into a roman yet. But I must admit, some of it's due to a blog I am increasingly beginning to read,  Can You Stay for Dinner?. Although her life is twice as interesting as mine, she was at the same weight and turning point that I find myself. It's quite inspiring.

In other news my HRM that I purchased is going to be here on Monday so hopefully another week of walking and you might find me beginning to run... gasp! I'm ready to continue my healthy style change. This is very important to me for the type of family I want to raise. Another thing is my husband and I are getting close to wanting to start trying to have a baby and I will be healthy for my little ones to give them the best start in life!! Overall, I'm really excited! :) Here's to another healthy day of living!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Love... and then HRM's :)

I like to think I support love and refute hate. There has been such a wide spread message of hate that seems to be going through our nation. We are a melting pot of several different races, ethnicities, religion, ages, and even gender preferences. I see no reason why another person's beliefs should affect your own. The real example of faith is the ability to hear another persons reason for their faith and then be able to find in their reason why your faith will still not falter. By this I mean the ability to disagree with them (without being hateful) and their reasons help to solidify what you believe. If a person gets their feathers so ruffled they become hateful about the opposing side, it only makes me think they do not have as strong of faith as they believe they do. That they are afraid of their beliefs being tainted.

I can tell you I'm not in fear of that happening, and only wish for the ability to explain why I believe a certain way and not to be judged for what I believe. It is my choice, as is my choice to either own a gun, go jogging, or write a blog. If you don't like it you are more than welcome not to see, watch, or read whatever it is that I am doing.

Now onto other things, like weight loss and what's been going on in my life.

I've been doing quite a bit of research into HRM, which apparently is an anagram for Heart Rate Monitor. I want to make sure I'm getting the most out of the workouts, walks, jogging, or whatever it is I want to do to stay fit. I don't want to create a real regime, I simply want to be healthy. The heart rate monitors, for those of you who haven't a clue what they are, obviously monitor your heart rate. They do this by two ways: 1) you place two fingers on a watch or 2) a strap that goes around your body and feed the information wirelessly to a watch on your wrist. There are other versions for bikers that mount to your bike, and a special one for swimming so if you have a different sport there's one out there for you.

Now regular 'ole HRM's that only monitor your heart rate are fairly cheap, 20-80 bucks, and even some of the lower levels can tell you if you're in a fat burn zone (or something of the like). I think this would be helpful so you don't go below an effective heart rate where you think you're working out and doing something, but you've lost momentum and you aren't being effective any more. Now of course simply moving is always a plus and is better than sitting firm in your "spot" on the sofa or reclining chair (the downfall of people all over the world).

Into my research I came across bowflex HRM's, Timex, and other brands but the most developed that I found were the Polar and the Garmin. (I'm basically doing all your research for you). The Polar FT60 and FT80 were at the top of my list for the Polar brand. They both can connect to what they call a foot pod which is like a pedometer that is way fancier and is on one of your shoes. Supposedly it's really light weight. I found this to be a must. I want to know how long I'm running/walking without having to drive my car around each route. Also if I get into this whole Color Run 5k next year with my family, I want to kick a little ass! More on that later...

But the Polars were cheaper, at first glance. But each one would need a device that hooks it up to their internet website (free at polarpersonaltrainer.com, even if you don't have the device), and you need to buy the foot pod. The FT80 was $202 (on sale), then the foot pod was a whopping $97.00 (even on amazon) and the connector for the wireless personal trainer was $47 (with this device it's included). That's an expensive watch! Then there's keeping up with all of the pieces. "Pieces" don't have a good track record with our doggies! What I did like about all of this Polar stuff was that Polar created the first heart rate monitor in like 1977 or something for training. That gives them longevity, plus I read reviews, and last but not least their company was Polar USA, no offense to other countries, but I like knowing I can take care of a problem in my OWN country. There's less chance of a run around when it comes to technical issues.

The website interface is also nice for Polar. It has a community feature, which I was not able to find on the Garmin website. The FT80 had one other feature that I thought was really intuitive. When lifting weights the device would help you to know when it was best to begin another set of reps. Now that is a workout tool! It actually shows you on your device a graph and as your heart rate goes up the line goes up, then when you're at rest the line goes down and when that line reaches a designated line that runs horizontally, you should begin your next set. But that whole set up was EXPENSIVE, and all of the pieces were not ideal. So I looked more into the FT40. While it had just as many pieces for me to get all I wanted out of the device, the device was far cheaper at $139 but you do have to buy the $47 connector and the freakin $97 foot pod... that just gets me.

So with all of this you can connect it to the internet and see your workout results! Now that's amazing! You can see, and not guess, how hard you worked! I love it!

Now the Garmin... yes Garmin as in the GPS device for your vehicle, has a whole couple of series of watches. The two I looked at were the 110 and the 210. The 110 was fine, it was efficient, easy to navigate (from what I saw) and had good functionality. But the 210 has beauty and a couple more features on its side, so that's where I did the bulk of my research. The 210 has the heart rate monitor that comes with it, it has the device and it's rechargeable. I'm not sure if this is a wonderful thing or terrible. The Polars (both) have batteries that I believe you have to return to the manufacturer to change (might be wrong here, I know there were several Polars that you had to do this with). The connector for the charging has been said to be difficult to line up. I will also add that the charger, is also the plug to plug up the information to your computer, mac or pc. I don't know if the connection for the Polar is compatible with mac, I was beginning to get biased into my research. So the Garmin is PRETTY! It also has the wonderful GPS feature inside of it. You think well "that's cool, but I'm not going to get lost," well this GPS feature is really to track how far you travel, where you're walking, your pace, and your other running important mumbo jumbo. It apparently gives your "real time" pace. This is important when you're running and trying to keep to a certain time for a mile or something. (I'm not a runner and only started working out, so you can forgive or ignore my ignorance or nonchalantness).

So Garmin did away with needing "pieces" that my animals will ultimately destroy the SECOND I accidentally leave them on the couch table while I go to the restroom or something. It also has the internet connection. Their site is also free, it's garminconnect.com. Their interface is far more user friendly and again... prettier. It's very simple with not a lot of extras and very easy to understand. Now the watch itself runs roughly $249.00 with the heart rate monitor strap (forgot to mention the Polars come with this too) and the "foot pod" is replaced by the GPS and the connectivity issue is resolved so no extra items to buy. Now I should add that if the satellites don't work wonderfully or something (I read they improved some of the issues they had when it was released back in like '08 or something) then you can purchase the "foot pod" for a good $37 dollars. No the items do not intermix. You have to get a Garmin foot pod for a Garmin watch, etc.

So all in all, they're about the same. Mostly. The real kicker I found that would make or break my decision is the ability to set up my own workouts on the internet and upload them to the watch. Well, Polar screams this (that was exaggerated) in their videos from YouTube so I knew they had it, but didn't know exactly so I went onto their website. It's okay, kind of tricky to get the hang of. So the question was, what about the Garmin? Well they do too, and it's far easier to understand. I also found out that with the Garmin workout program you can set up what your heart rate should be at for different workouts, and an alarm when it goes above or below that set bpm (beats per minute). Well that just put the function of the FT80 that was just OUTSIDE what I'm willing to spend on something on my wrist, and all the pieces... and it's in the Garmin. So, even though one item being the monitor for the Garmin is initially more expensive than the other watches, you have to end up spending more or the same to get other pieces just to get certain features the Garmin comes included with.

As you can tell, I chose the Garmin. I found the internet user friendly website to be a real deal maker, as well as the less pieces. It doesn't hurt it's also the most attractive! This feature that made the deal, was being able to map out my walk/jog/run BEFORE I even get started. So I can make a circle from my house, go down my neighborhood roads and back again and already know the distance, and set what I want my speed to be at so I can get my average pace and time of what I should be looking for. Then make sure I stick to it with my HRM. How amazing?! Now you CAN purchase the Polar and still use the map on Garmin, but I would just rather have it all together. Simplicity makes it for me! So if you weren't looking for an HRM breakdown, I'm sorry, but I hope you've at least learned some lingo :). I had to try and figure out what everyone was trying to reference. Jargon is always so different with different areas of interest, and although its fascinating, I kind of wish there wasn't that dang learning curve.

Once I get mine in I'll detail my likes and dislikes. It's a little pricy to jump out on a limb and trust I'm going to stick with the new life style I'm creating but here's my philosophy on that. When I purchase an item, I want to purchase quality, something that will take me down the long haul. Quality and not quantity is what I try to achieve. I got tired of buying something cheaper, being tired of it or not taking care of it because it was cheap and then buying the same item, different color, again a few months later, then again a few months later. And end up spending MORE than what the more expensive item cost in the long run. Prime example: straighteners. I use to spend $50 on one that lasted six months and died, then again, and again, then maybe eight months, then again... Now I buy the Chi ($100 or so) and it lasts three YEARS! So saved some money there!

Be back soon(ish) maybe to talk about actual life or drama or something :). Keep movin, and say no to cupcakes!

Monday, July 30, 2012


I fight the fight with strength and dedication, I stand up for what is right and I don't back down. But how much more I can take, I'm quite uncertain. I feel like each time I take a step forward there's someone out there that seems determined to make sure I take seventeen steps back. I try to remain positive, but I feel like the world screams and emits negativity. I can't seem to keep my head up. I feel like I'm growing.

One person after another seems to want to fight me or drown me in negativity. I'm so ready to throw in the towel of life. Sorta. I really don't want to give in and give those other people that satisfaction. They surely don't deserve it.

Fighting gets so tiring. It seems like each time I win one battle, another one arises. And the battles that I've won, I don't really win, it just kind of gets resolved. I stick true to who I am and people claim that I'm unprofessional or something of the like, when they DON'T KNOW ME. I'm confused. It seems like there is misunderstanding and miscommunication everywhere I look right now. There just seems to always be someone who is unhappy. I awoke this morning with the inability to see a lot of positives in the day.

As I do when I start to feel as though there's not a single positive neuron in the universe I start to list the good of the day. My family is all still living, I woke up today, my husband and puppy dogs woke up today, everyone made it to work safely (as far as I know). I still have a job, and so does my husband. We won't have to worry about paying our bills. We're close to having the car paid off. I'm in good health and am bettering my health... um... what else. My recent tattoo addition is healing nicely. My car, my husbands car, etc, still run well and didn't have any issues this morning. In the absence of negative activity I do see a positive. My husband might not have felt well this morning, but it seems as though it is just a small bug and nothing serious. Even in his tummy troubles, he has a job that allows for leniency in his arrival to work so he was able to rest until he felt better. What else...? I don't know. I'm still willing to fight even with all the weight that seems to be dragging me down! That's a pretty big positive. I'm not willing to give in.

I'm going to fight.

I'm going to succeed!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

So NOT a Day 1

This is by no means the first day of my journey through weight loss. I wouldn't even say this is my hundredth day, I've been working on weight loss, on and off, since I was a junior in high school a good 7 1/2 years ago. Back in the day I had more umph, I'm sure. But in my journey I've realized that I need not to focus on who I WAS, but who I want to become. From day one, to day whatever it is now, I've learned a lot about myself and my dedication in general. I might have had some major falls, where I gained a good 70 lbs in five years, but I've remained true to my goal. I want to be healthy.

I thought for a while I wanted to be thin. But I've come to realize that's not it at all, I want to be healthy. And all of those fabulous "quick fixes" have no attraction to me any more. I don't want to have it just disappear, I want to make a life style change so much so that I will never gain back the weight that I have now.

My last go around of weight loss venture, 6 months ago roughly, I lost 20 lbs. Not too shabby, but not near the kind of success I need to loose what I've got. I'm proud of that 20 lbs lost, although I did gain back around 8 of those 20. That's tough to see now as I'm getting into it again. Now I've only lost 12 lbs. It's tough.

Another thing I've come to the realization of is that life happens. Your life will never have the perfect moment to start your weight loss ventures. You will always have drama and "stuff" going on that cause your life to be hectic. You just have to make the commitment. If that's truly what is keeping you from going forth and jointing every other person in American (it seems) in loosing weight, then OWN UP TO IT! The worst enemy I've found is lying to yourself. You're lying to others, but they see the truth. You lie and don't see it. I say "you" because I know I've done it. I also know I'm not alone. Weight problems have taken the country by storm, and everyone has the way to loose it all, and keep it off. You might not know what your niche is in the weight loss game, but you'll never find it if you stop looking.

Every one is different, and what works for one, doesn't work for others. While it's the largest cliche in the book, it rings true. You are different than I am. What I do, probably, won't work for you. What I do hope you, or everyone, takes from me is that dedication and truth will carry you. Another cliche for the books, slow and steady wins the race. I've had blogs in which I wanted it to be for other people, I didn't really think about myself. I want to blog because it is my journal to the world. My footprint in the sands of time, if you may. If I end up loosing the good 140 lbs that I need to loose and inspire some people to get moving, awesome! But most importantly, I will be true to myself, who I am, my journey will be open to the world, as will my life. I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide... haha, that's not true! I have stuff to hide, simply because others judge. One day I'll come to term with what I hide and you'll know them too.

To tell you, invisible reader, about me, I'm a recent college graduate with a degree in English. I graduated with the intent to become a high school English Teacher. I will complete this dream! My situation right now doesn't allow for me to look for a job in this field, but I'm thinking that this time next year I will have my dream come true. I am most at home in the classroom teaching students. In the short amount of time I spent with them, they taught me so many things about life, about people. They helped me to begin my current way of life. To see the positive in everyone and everything. I also learned to see beauty in everyone. This helped me to grow and see everyone... and I mean EVERYONE as beautiful. That did allow me to see the beauty in myself. I will forever be grateful to those students for helping me to see that. They are all so wonderful and any one person, especially a teacher, that can see negativity in them, and to zero in on that, is hindering those students growth. They have flaws, but it is my job to help guide them to fix those flaws themselves. It's not my job to change them, but help them. In this I am absolutely passionate. I am so proud of the progress and growth the students undergo, I want to forever be apart of helping them. They have so much potential, I know that every single student that I help has the ability to change the world! I will encourage them non stop!

What you will read are my thoughts, my feelings, my heart, opened up and transcribed into words for you to read. I do not wish to taint or alter other's feelings on a subject, simply to give you my perspective. If you feel the need to throw hate or negativity at me, choose not to. I care for your thoughts, but not your negativity or hate. There are few things that I find out right atrocious one is lying, I can't stand it; the other would be hate or negativity. It's so negative! I choose to live my life surrounded by positivity, even if I have to make myself see the positive side. I don't want to be dragged down into the depth's of despair. I struggle with depression and anxiety issues, which I hope the weight loss will chemically help with, but I refuse to take drugs to fix something I can do myself and I refuse to allow others to take me down with them. I stand on my own two feet and do not rely on others to support me (except for my sweet husband, we stand firm together).

I suppose I've vented about my beliefs and my life enough for one post, and the first one at that. Here's to a wonderful relationship together.